There is one feeling that a single woman will never be able to understand, and for most single men, it's the feeling we wish they'd understand the most - That feeling a man gets when he likes a girl and is about to ask her out on a date. One of the most daunting moments in a man's life is asking the girl he likes if she would agree to spend a little more time with him in an attempt to get to know each other better. These exclusive conversations are also known as dates, and for some of us, they are one of the most difficult things on earth to acquire.
I think single women need to understand that it actually takes quite a bit of courage to ask them out on dates, and I also think girls need to be a little more sensitive to the fact that whether they like it or not, we're paying them a compliment. Here are a couple tips for you ladies out there who just don't know how to handle getting asked out by a guy:
1. First of all, be merciful. If you're going to say no and there's no chance for the guy, at least give him a good reason. Don't just leave him wondering why you said no. Be honest, not brutal, but definitely honest. Keep in mind that he likes you...don't make him hate you.
2. DO NOT LIE TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER...this will only get his hopes up, and then you'll have to go through this again.
3. If you're not sure, don't say no right away. Think about it for a day or two and then give an answer. Or, say yes and realize that you don't have anything to lose. You get a free evening with someone who wants to treat you well, and the worst that can happen is you get to know the guy better.
4. Stop watching movies...Ok, so I know you won't stop watching movies, but seriously, if you expect the guy whose asking you out to be as smooth as a scripted actor; you're setting every man up to fail. It isn't fair that we're expected to perform at an insanely high level when we're more nervous than ever...
5. We're nervous because we like you...give us a break.
Okay, I'm too tired to keep writing. So, I'm going to follow this up with a little more tomorrow...
-Matt
I hate to break it to you Matt, but most girls are just as nervous when a guy asks them out. I mean, there's kind of a lot of pressure on them as well-
ReplyDeleteIf they aren't really interested, how do they let you down? Do they hurt your feelings by just telling you "you're not my type." Do they go on a pity date with you so they don't have to hurt your feelings, but then end up just getting your hopes up even more?
And if they are interested, it's kind of a big step for a single, young woman to say, "I don't know you very well, but sure, I'll get into your car and let you drive me somewhere after dark." Not to mention, their heart and emotions are on the line as well. What if she goes on this date, and all you do is sit and stare at each other eating for an hour in awkward silence. What if you get to know her and you end up rejecting her. That would be more painful than the initial "no, thanks."
So, it's nothing personal, Matt. Their just trying to protect their hearts from hurt. Maybe you just need to get to know the person on their own "turf" until she gets to know you well enough to say yes. ;)
-Janie
Janie,
ReplyDeleteI totally understand that point of view. I grew up with sisters, and believe me when I say that I told them to do everything you just described in your comment to protect themselves. However, I think the thing you're missing is that it's okay to be honest and tell a guy he's not your type, or that he isn't the man God has for you. Just don't tell him he's ugly or worthless or something like that.
The fact remains that you girls always get to decide the outcome of the conversation. Girls will always have the upper-hand, and they will never be able to quite understand just how miserable it is to be in the man's shoes. Putting ourselves out there time and time again to allow females to decide our fate can be demoralizing.
As a side note, I'm not stupid enough to suggest that a girl I don't know very well go out with me after dark. I'll be the first to admit that I am the most tactless orator on the planet when it comes to talking to girls. However, I do respect the fact that women need to feel secure. I would have suggested a lunch "interview" to get to know her better. The reason being, it's mutually non-committal, includes time constraints, and still offers a good setting for conversation...
-Matt
Oh, boy.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing.. most girls aren't too picky on dates. The fact is, there are a hell of a lot of guys asking us out that we have major issues with. I'm not gonna tell him I don't find him attractive, or he's the most boring person I've ever met, or that he says demeaning things to me whenever I'm around him, or I don't trust him because of the way he makes me "feel". Of course I'm going to lie. I've never had a guy ask me out where I could tell him the truth without being brutal. They are a rare bird.
If there is even a chance he could work, a lot of girls will give the first date a go. It's just that with 50% of guys, there's just no way. And considering how much it takes for a decent guy to ask us out, dates can be few and far between.
Hearts are messy. We understand this. We understand that a lot of guys will wait until they care about us to ask us out. We understand that we may be hurting them. Why else would we try to soften the blow so much.
In a perfect world, guys would ask us out when they see potential, not when they're in love. In a perfect world we could let them down in a completely honest way. But all that would require no feelings. Be thankful for them.
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI know it must be really hard for girls to tell guys how they feel, and I imagine it's really hard to break heart-after-heart. However, I just cannot agree with you that lying is ever the right thing to do.
Here's why. Say I asked you out (TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL), and you weren't interested in me because I write a sleazy blog and have uncertain morals. Yet, you tell me that you're just not looking to date right now. What happens? Well, the truth is, guys are persistent and dense creatures. I would pursue you even harder, and do as much as possible to get you to change your mind. So, every time I come back, you lie to me again. You decide to water down the truth, which keeps my confidence at a decently high level, and I keep asking you out. Eventually, you're going to be forced to tell me the truth, and it's going to hurt me even worse after my increased efforts. It is true that at the end of the day we are all humans with feelings, but men are not women. We recover quicker from being shut down when we aren't lied too. And if the truth hurts the guy, well then he may just change for the better after he realizes why girls keep rejecting him.
Also, I don't understand what you said:
"In a perfect world, guys would ask us out when they see potential, not when they're in love."
My question is, doesn't potential only exist when there is love? I think what you're referring to is the emotion known as infatuation...Love is much more than an emotion.
-Matt
If that's what you thought I meant, I must have said it wrong. There's a difference between me not wanting to date you because I'm not sexually attracted to you, and me not wanting to date you because you have a blog and you're a douche. I will never tell a guy "there's no way I'll ever be attracted to you" but I sure will tell him he's a douche. At least that he can change.
ReplyDelete"In a perfect world, guys would ask us out when they see potential, not when they're in love."
I just meant without the emotions, elements leading up to the first date would never be messy. I was exaggerating when I said love, to prove a point. Of course I meant infatuation. I understand the concept of love.
I knew what you meant, but just chose that as an example (I don't think I'm unattractive...lol...jk). What's the harm in telling someone that they aren't your type? Are you afraid it may come across as being shallow? If that's the case, then I think you need to check your standards...Just Sayin'. Ugly people deserve a chance too. I'm not saying you have to be with someone your not attracted to, but I think there are definitely ways to be honest about it without being an A-hole and shallow person.
ReplyDelete-Matt
No one believes the "you're just not my type" thing anymore. They press for the real reason, because they're vain.
ReplyDeleteMatt, you and I have had different experiences with different people. I'm just saying that because of my experiences, this is how I handle this sort of thing. I don't feel compelled to be accountable to you for my actions or feelings.
The truth is, every situation is different just as every person is different. We'll just have to disagree on the issue of honesty. I was completely honest once with a guy and it hurt me badly. I wish I would have lied.
Hannah,
ReplyDeleteI really think that people do believe the "you're just not my type" line, and I'd go a step further to say that some of us actually appreciate it.
Also, saying that we've had different experiences with different people is basically the equivalent of me saying that the sky is blue and cigarettes are bad for you...it's obvious. It's also irrelevant. I'm not going to judge you for how you handle things because that's not my place (see Rom. 14:1-5ish). However, I can say that I think you'd be surprised at what I've been through. I've been very hurt by girls who've lied to me because they were just looking out for my best interest, and I wish you'd understand that honesty is always better than lying to someone.
Just because you've had a single (maybe a few more) bad experience with a guy you were probably to vulnerable with is not just cause to discredit the experiences of someone who has experienced probably a lot of, if not more of, the same things you have. I've been around the block more than once, and I've seen a lot of sh*t. Don't play the, "I got hurt once, and you could never understand" card...it just doesn't fly with me. I'm sorry you got hurt...
I hope our disagreement doesn't ruin our quasi-friendship...I think that would be silly.
-Matt
I'm in no way implying that lying should be your go-to rejection method. I just think that in some situations it's a necessary evil.
ReplyDeleteI'm not playing a card.. I wasn't hurt and wasn't attached to him, it was my own conscience that got me, and I still regret it.
I believe in telling the truth in love. And in some instances when certain guy's hearts are very attached, it's unloving to tell them the whole bloody truth. Some things they simply need to learn on their own, without a slap in the face from a girl they are very attached to.
Playing God with the tenderest parts of men's hearts is an awful job. I err on the side of the least pain.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I assumed you had been hurt because you wrote, "I was completely honest once with a guy and it hurt me badly." I obviously don't know the situation and I honestly don't want to know. I understand where you're coming from, but I'll never be able to agree that lying is okay...
ReplyDelete