The other night I posted part one of my attempt to inform the single female population of how difficult it is for men to ask them out on a date. I received quite a bit of feedback from you guys, both positive and negative. In spite of the feedback, I have decided to continue on with my plan to write this in two parts. However, before I continue, I feel like I should remind you all that this post is not intended to belittle the female perspective, and its only intent is to shed some light on what myself and other men have to go through on a daily basis.
In part one, I addressed five simple things that single women could do to help single guys out. When I wrote them, I kind of had this idea in the back of my mind that my tips were actually basic principles of common courtesy...turns out I was wrong. In fact, I got quite a bit of negative feedback for tips #2 & #3.
Tip #2 said, "2. DO NOT LIE TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER...this will only get his hopes up, and then you'll have to go through this again."
The argument proposed to me was that lying is sometimes a necessary evil, and useful for telling guys no. I was told, girls lie to me so my feelings won't be crushed, and I was told girls would rather lie than be honest in the event of an undesirable man asking them out. Well, ladies, I understand why this may seem like the better/easier way out of a bummer situation, but I don't think lying is the best answer. To shed some light on the male perspective, when you lie to me and make me feel okay about you shooting me down, or if you don't give me a straight answer. I am going to be inclined to try even harder to win your affections. Which means that you'll have to be honest with me eventually. The need to rise up to a challenge is wired into the framework of every man. Be honest, and leave no room for the guy you don't like to think he has a chance. Your words may hurt him in the moment, but I promise you that being honest from the start will do far less damage than letting him get his hopes up.
Tip #3 said, "3. If you're not sure, don't say no right away. Think about it for a day or two and then give an answer. Or, say yes and realize that you don't have anything to lose. You get a free evening with someone who wants to treat you well, and the worst that can happen is you get to know the guy better."
The reaction to this tip seemed to be split down the middle. Many girls accused me of not being understanding of their need for security. I think that is a very fair argument, however I do understand your need to feel secure, and I am happy to hear my sisters in Christ are being wise about choosing whom they spend their time with. Other girls stated that pity dates are a waste of time. I feel like my point was missed. I realize that I did a poor job of forming and expressing my point, but what I was trying to say was I feel like girls write guys off far too quickly a lot of the time. I believe guys deserve a little more consideration, that's all...just a little bit of a chance. Whether that looks like a date, or just a few questions (like an interview), I think we deserve a chance. After all, we're giving you girls a chance.
All that being said, I think tonight I am going to focus on sharing a few things that guys have to deal with mentally before they approach the girl they've fallen for.
1. One of the most difficult things for men to deal with is realizing they are falling for a girl. Not because we don't want it to happen, but because the realization of attraction generates a set of steps that a man must take. These steps require a lot of commitment (assuming that this guy has any morals), and for most, they are not easy steps to take. Something to keep in mind, ladies, is that not all men are capable of just walking up to you and asking you out because they think you're pretty. Many decent gentlemen consider your wants, needs, and feelings before approaching you. I know before I ever approach a woman to ask her if she'll allow me to pursue her, I prayerfully consider whether or not she is a solid candidate. I do my homework, find out if she's a Christian, and try to figure out from conversation if I'm even the right kind of guy for her. Falling for a girl can be an exhilarating and nerve racking experience.
2. Another thing that goes through a man's mind before asking a girl out is a debate with himself over whether or not he thinks he's good enough for this girl. Now, this may seem like a very selfish thing to consider, but the truth is we're all human, and every one of us has flaws. Men like to rank things, put them in brackets, and test them against each other. Consequently, we end up ranking ourselves, and many times we'll think that a girl is out of our league. The further away we consider her to be, the harder it is for us to approach her...even if we know she wants us too. You can contribute it to self-consciousness, but I think every man goes through this at some point. The skewed perception of putting things into a man-created reality of a "dating league" puts a huge damper on our ability to put ourselves out there.
3. Lastly, it's very easy to get the idea that the girl we like just doesn't want to be pursued. It seems like a silly thing to say, but the truth is, it is not an easy thing to figure out. I figure at some point all woman want to be pursued and shown love. But some men get rejected so frequently and/or consistently that they start to tell themselves that the girl they like probably doesn't even want to be pursued. Our pride is our most obvious flaw, and our most frustrating weakness. We'd much rather keep our pride in tact than continue to put ourselves out there to be rejected. I'm not saying this to make the ladies feel bad for us, but since my purpose is to help shed some light on dating from a male perspective; I think this is something that is true for a lot of men, and something to keep in mind.
There are about a thousand more things I could write about, because girls, when we like you...you're all we think about - an unfortunate disease of the mind if you ask me - but I think I'm going to stop here since Part Two is getting really long. I don't know if I'm going to write a third part, but it's a definite possibility.
Please feel free to leave as many comments as you'd like here or on my Facebook page. Add any content you'd like, and ask as many questions as you want...I'll try to respond in a timely fashion. You all know how much I love to defend my opinions...
-Matt
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