Ok, so I've been avoiding writing anything about my life this semester, but I think it might be time to share a little bit about what God is doing in me.
For starters, God has been teaching me that I need to stop worrying so much about things that don't really matter, and that I need to make sure that I am bringing my problems to Him first. As a part of this process God has also been teaching me that I need to stop hiding behind the walls that I have built in my life (ie. School, Sarcasm, Self-Doubt, and Fear of Failure) in order to be used by Him. I am admittedly disobedient when comes to this, and at times, I feel socially inept because I am practically incapable of making friends. It isn't that I don't want to make new friends; it's just that every time I try, I fail miserably and say something retarded. I've noticed a pattern in my habits lately, and I can trace it back to the beginning of this year that the people I have admired most and wanted to get to know more than anyone else are very the people that I tend to push away from myself. I don't know why I do it and I certainly wish I didn't, but the fact of the matter is that my confidence is absolutely shot, and I have a very hard time getting close to people now. As a few people know, I made a commitment to the Lord to remain single for the entirety of 2009, and to be completely honest, 2009 is almost over and I still don't feel like I am in a place where I could be a spiritual leader in a relationship. It pains me to say that, but I know it's true. I have too many areas in my life that I still need to surrender to God and despite what many people may say, I am in no place to pursue a relationship. I need to work on friendships first.
Secondly, (yes, I know that first "paragraph" was long) God has specifically been teaching me be less critical of others. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a very analytical personality, and that I tend to say offensive things to people; I promise that a vast majority of the offensive things that I've said are unintentional. Once again, and on the same note as the paragraph above, my critical nature derives from my self doubt and academic obsession. If you hadn't noticed, I love school. School is the one setting that I feel comfortable in, and oddly enough it's the one place that I am able to truly relax. When I get in school mode I sometimes have the tendency to forget that there are even other people around me, and I get lost in my thoughts. Lately I've had an insanely large number of things on my mind, and I've been ignoring God who has been telling me to stop getting lost in my own little world and talk to people (which is still hard for me to do). I know I must sound like a confused loser who probably just needs to get over his past, but believe me when I say that you truly don't understand. I can say that with confidence because I know for a fact that there are probably only 3 people on this planet who truly understand who I am and what my goals are. I know this because I know who has actually cared enough to ask me questions about my life, and I know which ones I haven't lied too. That may sound terrible, but again, I have a hard time getting close to people and trusting them. I usually just assume that people ask me things about my life because they feel obligated to ask me rather than actually caring about me, or I feel like I can't tell them because they'll tell someone else. I'm working on this part of my life, and God is really challenging me to branch out and allow people to get to know me. I just get tired of being misunderstood.
Lastly, God is testing my patience. Patience is usually something that isn't hard for me to deal with, but lately it's been difficult. I know that everything that God has for my life will be revealed to me in His perfect timing, and I trust that He holds everything together. I'm just having a hard time seeing where He wants me to go next, and that scares me. However, it also excites me. I can't wait to see what the Lord has for my future, and I can't wait to throw caution to the wind and follow Him wherever He leads me...I just want to know.
Anyways, these are a few things that God is showing me and a few areas of my life that I'm working on. I hope this helps some of you understand who I am a little bit more than you did before, and I hope I didn't offend anyone with what I've written. Please pray for me as I continue to pray for all of you, and please know that I genuinely care about all of you.
God Bless,
~Matt
Hey good to hear from you again! Totally spot-on with your list of walls, dude. I haven't been able to drop all of them completely, but surprisingly sarcasm has been the first to go, and I feel so much better about people now. And oh my god I'm going to stop before I start giving advice, which I hear offends people XD
ReplyDeleteYeah, for the most part, I've dropped the sarcasm as well. Although, I still like to mess with people every now and then. The biggest one for me right now is actually school. I tend to allow my school work to consume me, and at times I forget that there are even other people around me. I just get locked into my "zone" and offend people because I unintentionally act as though I don't care.
ReplyDeleteHaha the thing is, when you're in the "zone" you don't care.
ReplyDeleteBut I've started looking at social interactions as a team game, and once you know the rules you can help everybody win. And you know that I can't resist a good game :D
That may be true, but only on the technicality that I don't realize the people I do care about are there.
ReplyDeleteMy problem with games is that I take them too seriously and play to dominate. So, for me, thinking of social interaction as a game doesn't quite work. Even when I try to think of it from a co-op point of view; I'm a team player, but I always look to steal kills.
I think my biggest problem is the fact that I go to Ecclesia where many of the students have no problem with being indoctrinated by our professors. Whereas, I prefer to question and test theories before I accept them as truth. It causes a lot of tension between myself and my classmates, and the majority of them think that I am academically intimidating, when in all actuality, I'm no smarter than they are if they'd just open up their minds and apply themselves.