You know those personality traits that you wish you didn't have? You know, the ones that tend to push other people (especially the people you like) away. Well, I have one of those personality traits and it irritates the tar out of me. For some reason the Holy Spirit decided that it would be funny to give me the spiritual gift of blunt sarcasm...not really, but some days it feels like it. Lately, I've been under a lot of stress, and the way I deal with stress is I ignore it. The way I typically ignore my stress is by brushing it off with a joke or a not so subtle jab at someone else. I rarely ever mean what I say, but the fact remains that I say it and often times I offend people who don't know me very well. I've been trying so very hard to be kind this semester, but I'm pretty sure that I've failed to set a good impression. I get messages in my "honesty box" on Facebook every day that call me a jerk or an "insufferable know-it-all," and to be honest, it really hurts.
The "insufferable know-it-all" comment probably hurt more than the jerk comments I get because my only goal in the classroom is to learn. When I ask my professors questions, it is not to question their knowledge; but rather, to learn from their opinions. I have the tendency to be very blunt and very opinionated, but it is never my intention to demean or devalue my professors. Right now I have a lot of theological questions that I am searching for answers on, and I believe that it is wise to seek counsel from those who are older than myself. It bothers me that my classmates get annoyed and upset with me for making corrections and questioning my professors because it just tells me that they would rather be told what to believe than to seek out understanding for themselves. I've been pretty outspoken on campus about my views on how I feel education gets pushed aside at our school, and I do not plan on being indoctrinated by any professor with differing views. I will listen respectfully, and question with the intent to learn from their opinions.
Something else that struck me as odd this week was a conversation that I had with a friend. I was talking to this friend about what I wrote above, and they told me that I tend to come across as intimidating. I had never viewed myself as intimidating; in fact, I tend to think of myself as an introverted nerd who likes to read and fix computers for fun (which is true). The fact that someone would think of me as intimidating tells me that I must be overbearing in my conversational style, or, people think that I am something I am not. Whatever it is, this news sure came as a surprise to me.
At any rate, I do plan on working on my sarcasm, but I don't plan on changing who I am. I understand that that my sarcasm offends people, and I am ashamed of myself for taking out my frustration on others. I apologize to those whom I have offended and I hope that we can start over (even though none of these people like me enough to read my blog...hmmm). To my good friends: I am praying for you all continually, and I miss you all very much. Please email me sometime and tell me how you guys are doing because I'm too busy to talk on the phone, and I rarely check Facebook anymore.
God Bless,
~Matt
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