I've been hanging on to this post for awhile because I haven't wanted to express how I'm feeling. The past 5 months have possibly been the hardest I've ever experienced. Mentally and Spiritually I feel like I've been alone on a desert island, and the loneliness has really worn me down. I survived the last semester of school by myself, feeling very much like a zombie, and without much human interaction. I really thought I was doing alright, but it was only because I was in a state of denial.
The truth of the matter is that my confidence was (and still kind of is) shot, and I had no motivation to pick myself back up. For the past few months I've been in funk where I really just haven't cared about anything, and because of that I haven't gotten anything accomplished. Every time I start something I fail to finish it because I feel like I'm wasting my time, and it just seems like nobody truly cares about my interests or whether or not I succeed in life. I think the thing I've been having the hardest time with is the fact that even the people who are closest to me don't seem to care about what I'm doing. They act as though they're interested, but I see it in their eyes, and I can tell by their tone that deep down they only ask how I'm doing out of a sense of obligation.
I have always been the nice guy. The guy who takes care of his friends, and wants to see them happy and successful. I'm the guy who is there to talk to, who sympathizes, and who really tries to understand because I care. Unfortunately, the guy I've been is also the guy who gets forgotten. The guy who gets walked all over by friends who take advantage, and the guy who never knows exactly how many good friends he has because it's just too hard to tell who is genuine. All but one of my good friends from high school have left me, and lately I've felt pretty inadequate as a person. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my life since I moved to Arkansas and the friendships I've had over these past 7 years, and I've realized that I have felt inadequate in every friendship/relationship I have ever had, and it's the reason I've always tried so hard to keep my friends happy. I realize now that I was being used, and I have only myself to blame. Who wouldn't want to spend time with someone who listens, defends his friends, does things for them, and puts his friends before himself? I would love to have some friends like that.
Now, I'm not trying to cut any of my current friends down...I love you guys. Lately, I've just been feeling very alone, confused, and inadequate. The good news is that I'm making progress. Writing this has helped, and I'm really working on establishing myself again. I forgot who I was, but Jesus has subtly been working on showing me who He wants me to become and I'm excited to follow His will. My confidence may be shattered for a while and I'll never be he person I used to be, but I know that is a good thing.
Please pray for me as I continue to pursue Jesus wholeheartedly. Pray that He would speak clearly to me and show me where I am supposed to attend school in the fall. Also, pray that Jesus would restore my shattered confidence so that I may be able to do His work without any hindrance.
Thank you Friends,
I miss you all terribly, and I pray for you often,
~Matt
"With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak." Ephesians 6:18-20
P.S. This is not what I had intended to write, but when I sat down this is what came out of me. If I have offended anyone, or if you just have questions...Call me.
